god knows i tried

things have changed. i no longer give a fuck.

I am simply not interested anymore. I've not known how to perceive these feelings or how to look at them (same thing), so eventually due to personal ignorance - because same feelings are allowed to continue - I simply find an excuse and drop the relationship.

I am confused and I don't know what to ask. I don't know if it's about relationship expectations... maybe I take things too harshly or maybe I'm too harsh on myself .

In her mind

in her mind, she doesnt want him to be like her, to see the things she has seen. family dying off in front of her eyes, the loss of family plantation, the suicide of her friend which she is convinced is her fault, charms and fools many people into thinking that she is something other than what she truly is, run out of her home town and can't afford to support herself. relying on the kindness of strangers help her get her life back on track or give her some money..homeless person kind of thing.

je me sens rien

what is life, my dear.

           its been awhile since the very last time i updated this blog and theres nothing good going on in my life. its still the same. all the feelings are still the same. my health condition, well every single things, no improvement.

last word

in this war, we're always moving.
moving on.
i dont play victim.
i stand and i deal.

please,
get well soon..
fucker.

standing here

i keep gazing at the sky as if my soul was dissolved in it. i try to catch it, cloud after cloud. i could feel myself losing the image i tried to portray, i felt the pain chipping off my skin. i felt the blood covered smile fading away. a nude soul, raw and hurting. emotional and lost. when he tried to pull me close, i ran away with clumsy feet and weak knees. god, i knew no one could ever love a mess in a dress. i swallowed my tears down with words, i bit my tongue and spent nights spitting out blood. i was a girl with messy hair. hiding behind it, a messy mind

AL fatihah Ammar

     He passed the heavens gardens with naked feet. he bit me take love easy as easy as leaves grow on the tree. in the field by the river i stand, and on my leaning shoulder he laid his perfectly created hand. he bid me take life easy as easy grass grows on the weirs.

       coffee comes in at the mouth and love comes in at the eye. 
thats all we know for truth before we grow old and die.

 i am young, foolish and full of tears.
 i am tired of being brave. 
while he is the sun on the ripened grain, the soft starshine at night and a mind of winter. 

       with all the griefs in my arms, i write on this dream-like pages for the common wages of his secret heart while salty air kisses the secret corners of my skin taking me back to memories of him over and over again. 

    Bouquets of flowers dont bring me joy. they make me remember a little boy i finally found in a garden by luck. my yellow roses are bloom unseen. watered by tears of blind eyes. as invisible as what might have been. if they only knew how much regret will fly with me abroad, and how much sorrow feel from his absences because i chose a distant road. 
     

       But they know, when i cant face the pain, just leave a yellow rose to morn each day for everything that was taken from me is more than i can take. only things that keep me going, is that we will meet again. until then, i will place a yellow roses on this lonely grave up there in glory land each day until the roses are all gone.

Al Fatihah Ammar Irffan. 

mamat words

"i can see you cry sometimes, when tears rimming in your eyes and your voice sounds little heavier. i dont know what youre going through, but sometimes your hug feels like home. thats how i know.. youre not okay. not at all. go home, sleep. youve fought the good fight"  - mamat

running away

amidst the sound of howling sirens as they drove away, i stand waiting.. listening to my own breathing.. the wind blows past my ears carrying the sound of distant voices of failure, confusion, filled with the same tragic scent.. an extremely urge to run away.

smokes

i inhale the acid smoke he exhales...

we exchanged blind words. for all i knw, he smokes a pack a day and havent said a word to me in weeks. in this part of story, i am the one who dies

i am more than free

      God, i am free.
i feel free.
it had been years and now im finally free.
its been long enough and i have had enough, im letting it all go. i used to feel the burning need to tell him what im thinking and feeling before. but for now, whatever.

i dont care how i feel, i am free.
 like the wind, i am free.

     i know crying over him can be forever, but thats fine. im used to this type of pain, im okay.
im good to live, im okay.

i know, i will wake up tomorrow, put on some make up, go flirt flirt till i get bored and crazily tinggalkan some guy that seems interested in me cuz thats what a girl like me would do when i feel the need of attention..
i know i would stay all night crying over the same thing, thinking about what i did wrong and how to make me feel better, i know.

but i am okay, i know i am
i know satya would hug me tight every morning just to make me feel special. because she knows nothing is going right in my life.

i am okay, i am free.
i know i am okay.

the urge to run away

                       Im sorry if im acting all weird and you dont get me at all. im sorry. im sorry if sometimes i talk nonsense and you think im crazy, well thats fine. im cool with that but im sorry, if i have ever made you felt uncomfortable with my super-weird-personality. i swear to God it was never my intention to make anybody or anyone distracted by me.

                     It just that, this world is not my home. this world,  where theres a war between my body and my soul and those voices and tragic scents and shadows and screams and shouts where my eyes are always filled with tears, and im buckling at my knees cause i cant carry the weight of my regret and my life is not a fire to keep me warm.

                     So i lost myself in my own world where all thing are filled with my soul, where my silence bright as a lamp, simple as a ring.where my word pretty as a song and those people that i love look at me with a smile and make me feel warm and cozy inside. where i can feel the beauty of happiness.

                    I just sometimes want to leave this place so badly. i want to pack up a bag and head somewhere where i can be happy. and if my body cant, my mind will.

episodes

ALhamdulillah,

                i have no idea what im going through right now. but what important for me right now, is that i need to know that my life is going to get better when i get through all this. i feel so tired i can barely breathe. 

how sometimes in silent nights, i wait for a text messages, for a visit, for a time i no longer have to wait. untill my eyes finally learn not weep for them, my arms know theres no need to reach for the. some days i feel like my life is spinning out of control and i am just along for the ride. other days i feel like my life is finally my own at last and i know the answer for everything.

unremembered and afar

     i watched them as i watch a star.. through darkness struggling into view and loved them better than i knew. 

ol-bot-det-bass

   

Lebih dari satu jam aku menghidu bau acah acah kentut senyap ni.

  Tak tahu lah siapa. mungkin si ninja

  But I aint giving up on breathing.

  Officemate ni pulak ringtone phone dia all about that bass.

  Tambah musykil.

  Dapat si client yang nak jumpa dia, kena lah call dulu.

  "Im all about that bass , No treble no treble"


   WHERE THE HELL IZ DA BASS YANG KENTUT MACAM NAK BAWAK KE NERAKA NIIIII

why are we here.

i may not know everything about life.. i'm sorry if i'm wrong.

In Islam, man's ultimate life objective is to worship the creator Allah(God) by abiding by the Divine guidelines revealed in the Qur'an and the Tradition of the Prophet. Earthly life is merely a test, determining one's afterlife, either in Jannah (Paradise) or in Jahannam (Hell).

For Allah's satisfaction, via the Qur'an, all Muslims must believe in God, his revelations, his angels, his messengers, and in the "Day of Judgment".

no hard feelings, please. i'm sorry if i'm wrong.

Humans are so bad.

They just won't understand what you have been through. they just keep on complaining you. They tell you that you can't do this and that but the fact it, they just don't know anything. they don't know what makes you so strong now, what makes you so cruel and what have changed you.

but then, they claim themselves as your friends.

i still love him

"I remember when I met him, it was so clear that he was the only one for me. We both knew it, right away. And as the years went on, things got more difficult- we were faced with more challenges. I begged him to stay. Try to remember what we had at the beginning. He was charismatic, magnetic, electric and everybody knew it. When he walked in every woman's head turned, everyone stood up to talk to him. He was like this hybrid, this mix of a man who couldn't contain himself. I always got the sense that he became torn between being a good person and missing out on all of the opportunities that life could offer a man as magnificent as him. And in that way I understood him and I loved him. I loved him, I loved him, I loved him. And I still love him. I love him."